Why Texas can suck it this time

Dear Texas,

You had to go and do it, didn't you? Give me yet another reason in the looooong list of reasons why I don't like you very much. I mean, there's already so much to choose from; the insufferably hellish summers, the insanity of the drivers, and the traffic that makes you want to saw off your arm and club yourself to death with it are just a few of the highlights. The fact that there's nothing really fun to do here and the closest thing worth driving to (Colorado) is about 15 hours away doesn't help any.

And of course, there's the absolutely stunning (insert sarcasm here) vistas. Come on Texas, when the only two other places you have lived in your life have been Vancouver, B.C., and San Fransisco, you've got to know that water towers painted with stupid hometown slogans just aren't going to do it for me.

Oh dear, I'm coming off sounding like a bit of a snob, aren't I?

No matter. This spring, you have managed to outdo yourself Texas, by simultaneously sprouting every noxious weed you have to offer, thereby making me seek refuge indoors during one of the two seasons that it is fit to venture outside. I don't get it... it's not like anything pretty is blooming these days. As I stare out my pollen-stained windows, everything still looks like death and dying outside. So where is all this allergy-causing crap coming from?

I will admit, that the Bradford Pears are quite beautiful when in bloom, but any beauty is immediately cancelled out by the smell those things give off. Seriously, it is enough to drive anyone to their knees, let alone a morning-sickness suffering pregnant woman. Who knew a tree could make someone vomit?

In closing Texas, your plants really aren't all that pretty, so you can stop trying now. Bring on the plant-killing heat of the summer!

(I am going to be sooooooo sorry I ever said that)