In Memory of Nicolas Daniel

Yesterday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  I didn't find that out until well into the afternoon.  It makes me sad that the day that is meant to honour our lost children isn't really talked about. 

Much like the loss itself.

I discovered that there would be a candle lighting close to where I live, so the kids and I went.

I lit a candle and cried for my son.  And for all the little lives taken too soon.

Every cry is a song

Every song is a prayer

And our prayers must be heard

Fill the air

-Hothouse Flowers

Darkness

If you are FB friends with my husband, you have already heard the news, but for those of you who are not, it is with immense grief and sadness that I share that we have lost the baby.

My water broke a week ago, but the baby still had a strong heartbeat, so they sent me home to see what would happen.  Unfortunately, the follow-up sonogram on Monday showed the heartbeat was gone and the baby had died over the weekend.

Monday I was induced and delivered a tiny baby boy, who we named Nicolas Daniel.  The pain and heartbreak is indescribable.

Thank you to all who sent messages via FB, or email.  I have read every single one of them with tears in my eyes, knowing that we are loved.

Breaking News

 And now you know why I've been so quiet lately...

18 months

One of the days I'll have the time to do an honest-to-goodness, actual post.  Until then, more cute pictures of my offspring!  Our littlest man turned 18 months old over a week ago.  My, where has the time gone?

I love this little guy from the silky curls on his head right down to his big, squishy feet.

First and Last

Why hello blog!  Long time no post.  Not a lot of time for words today, but I do have pictures.  Will someone please stop time for me?  For just a little bit?

How did this happen so quickly???

15!

I am so very late with this.  10 days late, in fact.  Will I ever catch up?

Kid-isms

I haven't done one of these in a long time... actually, I haven't written anything in a long time.  Maybe this will help get me going again...

The other day Elise and Mattias were having an impromptu jam session on their instruments. Towards the end of the song, Elise says the following:

E: And on the drums... Mattias (last name)!
(whispers, "play your solo Mattias") 

*Mattias bangs on his drum*

E: And singing and playing the guitar, Elise (last name)!

*wild guitar solo follows*

E: Thank you, and GOOD NIGHT!

Now I need to get Lucas on the tambourine and we can become our own little Partridge family!

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Me: Mattias, why are you so cute?

Mattias: Because YOU are!
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Mattias: Mom!  We both love each other and we both like each other! (talking about Elise)
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Mattias to his teacher: Did you know my sister lives in Texas?
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Mattias (whenever he sees me making something with cheese): Can I have some cheese in my hand?
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Elise: What are bombs for?

I explain on a very 6 year old level how bombs are used to hurt people, and countries want to have them to protect themselves.

Elise: That doesn't sound very good for the world.
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Mattias to Lucas: Dude... I love you!
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(During Halloween, a house in our neighbourhood was all decorated in a haunted house motif... which scared the crap out of Mattias)

Mattias (every time we drive past said house): Mom, look!  It's the rotten house!
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At Target, Mattias grabbed a bra of off a hanger and held it up to his chest...

Mattias:  Mom, look! Boobies!

Me: That's great Mattias, let's go.

Mattias: Okay, just let me put my boobies back.
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Elise: Mom, do you like a farmer's guitar?

Me: Farmer's guitar?  What's that?

Elise: You know, a banjo
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Mattias: Mom, I love you (long pause)... and I like you too.
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Elise to my Mom: I get less money than you because you're a grown-up. You get all the money you want.

Beverly Hills, 9021-Noooooo!

The unthinkable has happened.  Actually, it happened a few weeks ago but I've been so broken up, that I haven't been able to verbalize my feelings until now.

SoapNet went off the air on New Years Day.  And with it, Beverly Hills 90210; the only reason for ever watching that channel. Because of this, piles of laundry are slowly taking over my house.

How are the two connected?  Because nothing could spur me on to fold shirts and roll socks like the exploits of Brandon, Brenda et al.  I could burn through 5 baskets of clean clothes during the 2 hour time slot during which those crazy kids hooked up, drank up, smoked up, broke up, broke down, burned down, and burned out.

It wasn't something I had to watch; just a little world that I could peek into to distract me when doing mind-numbing work. I didn't watch it every day and probably never saw an episode in its entirety.  But I could always turn it on and find out if Donna was still a virgin.  Or if Dylan was with Brenda or Kelly. Did Steve ever grow up? Did Brandon ever stop being a self-righteous turd?

Now that it's gone I will never find out how sweet Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell turned into crazy Val Malone just by moving zip codes.

I blame Facebook... now if you want ridiculous, over-the-top drama, all you have to do is turn on your computer.

So goodbye to my favourite 30-somethings playing teenagers, and the TV show that had the coolest theme song guitar riff of the 90s.  I'm hoping you'll find your way back via another network one day.

A very Merry 1st Unbirthday

Today is Lucas's shoulda-been birthday.  I don't know why I'm so stuck on this day.  Maybe because both his actual birth day, and his 1st birthday (thank you Icemeggedon 2013) were surrounded by such chaos.

The new year has slowly meandered its way into our lives without any fuss and all is calm.  Today would have been a great day to have a party.

But like I said in this post, I need to remember it is his story.  And if December 8th brings chaos every year... so be it.  Because this guy is worth it.

Plus... he seems to thrive on craziness.  It's how he rolls.

A very Merry Unbirthday once again Lucas.