When pretty is ugly

In the midst of this record-setting heat, it's becoming increasingly more difficult to entertain and occupy my crazy children. Every morning I wake up, take a quick glance out the window, then turn on the news to confirm my fears. It's going to be another scorcher! 1256th day in row! No end in sight!

Sometimes I wonder if this is what it's like to wake up in prison everyday.

With the walls closing in, I'm trying to find fun and interesting places for Elise and Mattias to expend their energy while making a mess I don't have to clean up. This is how I found myself at our church's indoor play area the other day.

Upon walking into the play area, I could see these girls were going to trouble. Let us call them Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (or Dee and Dum for short). They had that look. The "I am so cool and better than you" look. And at the ripe old age of 4, they had perfected the "us four and no more" mindset that seems to be so prevalent here in Texas.

Elise immediately went up to them and asked, "can I be your friend and play with you?" I sucked in my breath, because just looking at Dee and Dum, I knew what the answer would be. Sure enough, Elise came walking back to me with tears in her downcast eyes.

"Mom," she said, "those girls don't want to be my friend. They said they wouldn't play with me and to go away."

Now, anytime anyone hurts my child, be they 4 or 44 , my first instinct is to go all mama bear on their ass. Visions danced through my mind of grabbing them by their little blonde braids and dragging them to a corner where I could hiss into their ears all the mean things I could do to them (starting with cutting off those braids) if they ever dared made my daughter, or any other child, cry again.

Thankfully, I am an adult (or at least act like one on occasion), and decided to instead use this incident as a lesson for Elise.

"Elise," I asked her, "why do you want to play with those girls?"

"Because they're pretty. And I like their headbands."

(Apparently looks and fashion are important to my child. I blame Fred).

"Well," I said, "sometimes people can be pretty on the outside, but ugly on the inside. Do you understand? If you act ugly, and treat people not nice, then I think that makes you ugly on the inside. And it is much more important to be pretty on the inside than on the outside, don't you think?"

"Why?"

"Because, how we act shows who we really are. If we are mean, and make people feel bad, then we are ugly. But if we are kind, and helpful, and friendly; then that makes us beautiful. And if we act like that, that will be the kind of people who will be our friends."

Her face scrunched up and I could tell she was putting a lot of thought into what was coming next. "So", she said, "if I want people to be nice to me, I should be nice to other people?"

Do unto others, people. My 3 year old daughter gets it. Then why is it so hard for adults?

Thankfully, another little girl Elise's age came into the play area and was only too happy to play with Elise. Strangely enough, she too was shot down by Dee and Dum.

As much as I hate for Elise to feel hurt, I am thankful for the lessons she is learning. And thankful for a daughter that is beautiful... inside and out.

When the teacher becomes the pupil

I find people-watching fascinating. Fred says I'm just nosey, and maybe so; but I love to watch people in situations and see what makes them react. I swear it's better than most of the crap you see on TV.

The other day at one of the story times Elise and I frequent, I had the chance to observe a Mom that I couldn't tear my eyes away from. She was like a character from a movie or a book; one so over the top and full of hyperbole, you swear she couldn't be for real. She marched into the library with her approximately 2 year old child strapped into a stroller. Dressed more for a business meeting than a sit on the floor story time with your child, her mouth was set in a grim line as she picked up one the the story time programs and said to her child, "let's see what they do here."

I watched, totally caught up in the scene, as the librarian told her that her child could play until the other kids arrived and story time began. The lady looked uncertain and replied, "I don't know, she's a bit of a trouble-maker and gets into everything."

The librarian just laughed and said they were pretty much set up for the chaos that kids create. The lady looked worriedly at her daughter and started un-strapping her from the stroller. The kid (I'll call her G), ran over to a bookcase and grabbed a book off the shelf. The mother looked horrified and ran over to her, telling her no and that she needed to behave. G then started to walk over the parachutes that were set up on the floor and the Mom grabbed her, admonishing the child as she pulled her back towards the stroller.

Throughout the story time, the Mom sat with the child in her lap, arms holding her in an almost straight-jacket fashion. Every time the child would "act up", the mother would hiss a warning in her ear.

From what I could see, G was no different from any other child at that story time, full of energy and life; just wanting to experience the world around her. And my heart ached for her. I wondered if the Mom's controlling nature was going to quench this little girl's enthusiasm for life. Is this how the Mom grew up? Being told she was a trouble maker and was never allowed to be mischievous?

I then started asking myself how my nature affects Elise. I accept that I am a bit of a perfectionist. And a control freak. And I also have the tendency to be a wee bit anal retentive. But I try not to push my personality defects on Elise. I want her to be a clean slate, free to grow up to be the true person she is.

One thing I hate is a mess, I like to clean as I go, and I'm not big into getting dirty. But the other day Elise wanted to finger paint. And more specifically, she wanted me to join in. She started by smearing a line of paint down my arm and as I fought the urge to run and wash it off, I realized I needed to stop being so "grown-up" about things and muck in on her fun.

So we painted, Four or five glorious pictures of gooey paint. We had paint everywhere; the wall, the table, the chairs, ourselves. And I loved it.

What I loved most is that although I am the one who is supposed to be teaching Elise, she is a wonderful teacher in her own right. She has taught me to slow down, not to get caught up in the little things, and enjoy getting dirty once in awhile. Children view the world in a way that is so freeing, so wonderful; I think more adults need to sit down with their kids and learn a lesson or two of their own.

Here is a picture of the lesson I learned that day. Beautiful, isn't it?

Being okay with chaos

Fred's Mom and our niece just left after spending four days with us. It just so happens that my Mom is also staying with us for two weeks. If you have your scorecards ready, that's four adults, a seven year old, an almost 23 month old, and one needy and neurotic 45-pound dog hanging together in 1678 square feet. That, my friends, is a lot of togetherness.

There was a time that a scenario like that would have sent me into a tailspin of nervousness and hyperventilating. When we lived in San Francisco; Fred's Mom, Dad and Grandma all came to stay with us when we lived in 595 square feet of apartment. We also had an 80 pound dog at that time. I'm not sure how I got through it, but I do remember taking A.Jacks for a lot of walks.

It's not that I don't love Fred's family. I've said it before, I have been blessed with a great set of in-laws. I just need my space. Fred's family is European, and have no problem with so much togetherness. I chalk it up to being from a place where there's a lot of people living in a little space. I looked it up and Portugal has 110 people per square kilometer (153 per square mile), whereas Canada has 6 people per square kilometer (9 per square mile). Do you see why I need my space? And yes, I am aware that most of Canada in uninhabitable, but sometimes a girl needs to be alone. Even if it is on frozen tundra.

What was I talking about again? Ah yes, chaos. I may seem so calm and cool on the outside (hahahahaha), but when you give me ingredients like the ones from this weekend, all I can envision cooking up is one big chaotic mess.

Which, essentially, is what we had this weekend. But you know what? I was okay with it. As I looked around and saw towels hanging from any available space, suitcases littered about like abandoned vehicles, and so many shoes at my front door you'd swear Seven had started wearing them too, it didn't bother me.

Elise was walking around with paint on her face, hands and clothes, looking like she was going into battle. But so what? She was having a blast with her cousin Carolina and loved all the attention she was getting.

People were loading my dishwasher all wrong, and putting things back in the wrong places. But who cares? At least I wasn't the one having to do it!

I must be mellowing out in my old age, because as the chaos was swirling around me like a spring storm in Texas, I was actually enjoying it. I realized that nobody cared about the mess or the cramped quarters, they were too busy having fun being with each other to even notice.

And so another life lesson learned. Wow, two in the span of about a month. If I keep all this learning up, I'm going to know everything soon!