Flowers die... donate so a child won't

"Mama? Why do you hate flowers?"

This question was posed to me by Elise just the other day. A neighbour had brought by a vase of flowers because she and her family were going away and she didn't want them to go to waste. Elise saw them and proclaimed them to be, "absolutely so gorgeous."

Apparently she noticed my indifference, because she then asked her question. I made some off-handed remark, then distracted her with something bright and shiny.
Because really, how do you explain to a five year old that flowers are stupid because they die, without sounding like the most heartless person ever?  It's just hard for me to spend a lot of money on something that just sits there for a few days, and then... Poof! They go to the great flower bed in the sky.

Give me chocolate any day.

So why the post slamming flowers? Because Thursday is Valentine's Day. And no doubt roses are in your future; either as the giver or recipient. Enter a very cool idea put forth by some very cool peeps in the DOC:

"We want to help the Life for a Child program, sponsored by the International Diabetes Federation, which aims to take “contributions from donors [to] go to established diabetes centers enabling them to provide the ongoing clinical care and diabetes education these children need to stay alive.”  Our idea was to take the typical “dozen roses,” so popular on Valentine’s Day, and save just one rose to spare the life of a child. “Spare a Rose, Save a Child” is simple:  buy one less rose this Valentine’s Day and share the value of that flower with a child with diabetes in the developing world.  Your loved one at home still gets flowers, and you both show some love to someone who needs it."
-Taken from www.sixuntilme.com

For the cost of ONE rose, you could donate to save the life of a child. Even though here in the U.S., I am able to keep my daughter alive with life-saving insulin, in developing countries, type 1 diabetes is a death sentence.

To donate, just click here.  Flowers for Valentine's Day might be nice, but saving the life of a child is even better.

Today

This is my daughter, Elise.  She is 5 years old. She loves to play soccer.  Paint and draw.  Read.  She loves ballet and tap.  Making her little brother laugh. The colour pink.  Roller-coasters and waterslides.  She's a girly-girl with a tough side... the absolute best of both worlds. 

She makes me laugh.  Loves everyone she's ever met. Blows me away with how smart she is.  She has the innate ability to drive me bananas, but at the same time; I am so very proud the be her Mom.  And today, she makes me thankful.

Without today, Elise would not be alive.  If it wasn't for today, I would have had to say goodbye to my first-born over 4 years ago.  If today had never happened, this would be one of the last pictures I have of my daughter...

During a month that is supposed to be filled with thanks, I am most thankful for today, November 14.

Because on this day, in 1891, a baby boy was born in a small farm house in Ontario, Canada.   He would grow up and make an astonishing discovery that would save my daughter's life 117 years later.  Not just the life of my daughter, but countless others. 

Because in addition to everything I wrote about her above, Elise also has type 1 diabetes.  Her body NEEDS insulin to survive, but no longer produces it. 

It was nothing she did. Or didn't do.

Nothing she ate. Or didn't eat.

There is no cure. No special diet. No secret spice. There isn't a bark that grows on a tree that can be brewed into a tea.


But there is insulin.

Today, I don't have to watch my daughter literally starve to death because of a faulty pancreas.  And that is why I am thankful for today, the birthday of Dr. Fredrick Banting; inventor of insulin. 

He saved my daughter's life.

Prayers for the Schuhmacher Family

I want you to meet Meri, probably one of the sweetest, kindest, most giving souls I have ever been blessed to meet. I count her as one of my best friends, even though I have only met her once.

You see, she lives in my computer, and we met because our children have type 1 diabetes. My child. Her children. Yes, I said, children. Three out of four of her boys have t1.

She is a mentor to me because her first was diagnosed as a baby; only 8 months old. During the next 13 years, she would be handed not only two more t1 diagnoses, but a melanoma diagnosis for her husband, Ryan, three years ago. He underwent surgery and chemo. They thought they had beat it.

Three years later, cancer has again reared it's ugly head... this time Ryan has 6 tumors in his brain, and multiple tumors in his lungs and abdomen.

My heart aches so bad for this family, and I spent a good part of yesterday crying when I heard the news (those of you who know me know that crying isn't really my thing). I love Meri as the sister I never had. She is simply an amazing woman who is married to an amazing man. I liked Ryan from the moment I met him. These two have been together for 19 years, and they truly make each other whole.

Will you please join me in praying for this sweet family? March 4th has been set aside as a day of fasting and prayer for the Schuhmacher family. You can read Meri's story here. And for updates, join the facebook page that has been set up for the family.

Please tell all you know to lift this family up. Let's let heaven hear our voices loud and clear.

Why we need a cure

If you are a parent, I'm sure you remember all too well standing over your baby's crib or bassinet, watching them breathe. I bet you even held a finger or put a mirror under their nose just to make sure. When Elise was born, I lived in fear that SIDS would steal her away from me as she slept.

And when she reached an age when SIDS was no longer a concern, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Little did I know that a few months later I would have a newer, bigger worry to deal with.

Diabetes comes with a laundry list of complications; heart disease, nerve, kidney and eye damage are some of them. But there is another complication. A more sinister, less talked about one. It's called Dead in Bed Syndrome. Basically, a person with diabetes can pass away during the night due to an untreated low blood sugar.

Today my heart is aching for the family that lost their 13 year old daughter to Dead in Bed Syndrome. And the part that hits hardest is that her parents, by all accounts, were diligent in their care of her diabetes

When I usually explain to the uninitiated all the work that goes into caring for Elise, the response is always surprise. Especially when I get to the part about how we get up at least twice a night to check her blood sugar.

I know it seems over the top to most people, but as Elise's Mom, I will do everything in my power to protect her from harm. And I know that I cannot be there 100% of the time. I know I cannot protect her from every evil in this world, but you can bet that I will bust my ass to try.

Let's look at it this way; when you get in your car, you either strap your kiddo into their car/booster seat, or make sure they put their seat belt on, right (let's disregard this is a matter of law for the moment)? Why do you do this? You're a safe driver. You obey all posted speed limits, you use caution, and pay attention to the road.

But what you can't control are other circumstances; drunk drivers, people who text and drive; and the ones who just plain suck at driving. You have no idea at what might happen next, so you do what you can to protect your child... it's just good ol' common sense, right?

Unfortunately, a parent is NOT a pancreas. No matter how hard I try, I cannot replace that precious organ in Elise's body. I was not created to control and maintain blood sugars. All I can do is use my common sense and do my absolute best.

And this is why we weigh every carb Elise eats.

This is why we check her blood sugar 10-12 times a day, and at least twice a night.

This is why we don't leave Elise with anyone.

It is why, every seven days, we inject a sensor into Elise, so we can monitor her blood sugar via a Continuous Glucose Monitor.

It's why I ALWAYS have a watchful eye on Elise.

It's why Elise comes with us on our date nights.

And why I carry a backpack full of strange gadgets and food. It may seem odd to you, but it might just save Elise's life one day.

It's why I am so tired, so distracted, so overprotective, so consumed and so frightened. Because stories like this happen. And they happen to people who do everything they can, just like we're doing.

And so, my heart is breaking. Not just for this family, but for all the other D-families out there who hear these stories. And the need to check their kiddos a little more often and hold them a little closer consumes them that much more.

Please God, let us find a cure soon.

Please sir, can I have some more?

Sleep is a very sacred commodity in our house. Between having a 3 year old (who is a total night owl and sometimes stays awake until 11:00 pm) with diabetes, and a newborn; sleep can be hard to come by these days.

That's why I have to give a shout out to my amazing son, who, just 1 day shy of being 5 weeks old, slept 8 hours last night (from 11:30 until 7:30). And a few days ago, he slept 7 hours. I'm loving it!

Now if only I could get 8 hours of sleep in a row, life would be grand! Heck, I'd settle for 5 hours of non-stop slumber.

Thank you Chick-fil-a!

So what do you call something that far exceeds your expectations into a whole new realm of awesomeness? I call it Team Elise Night at Chick-fil-a.

Tracy Matlock and the Southlake Chick-fil-a went above and beyond for us and I am so thankful for their support. Even more amazing is the number of friends that came out to "Eat Mor Chikin" with us. Some people drove 45 minutes to come see us. Some I hadn't seen in almost three years. Everybody came out eager to eat some good food and support a worthy cause while they were at it.

At last count I think we had over 120 friends (kids and adults) come join us. And that's not counting friends that went through the drive-thru, or friends of friends. I'm not sure on the exact total of what was raised, but we should have that number in the next few days.

Thank you so much to everyone who came out to see us. You have no idea what it means to Fred and I to be surrounded by so many people cheering us on. I think Elise said it best today during a conversation we had:

Me: Did you have fun last night with all your friends at Chick-fil-a?
Elise: Yeah... I loved all the people. Why so many people come to play with me?
Me: Well... I'd have so say it's because they love you... you are one very loved little girl, did you know that?
Elise: Yeah, that's amazing!

It sure is Elise.

Here are some fun pictures we took of the event... enjoy!

Don't Forget to come Eat Mor Chikin with us on Thursday

This Thursday from 6 - 8 pm, the Chick-fil-a in Southlake is doing a fundraiser for Team Elise!

Just come by the restaurant, located at 2301 E Southlake Blvd, Southlake, TX 76092, eat some yummy food, and hang with the cutest little Chick-fil-a fan there is!

A percentage from all sales during that time will go to Team Elise, which is already 50+ members strong for this year's Walk to Cure Diabetes on September 25th. Speaking of which... have YOU joined yet? Just go to teamelise.com to sign up or make a donation. Thank you so much for all your support!

Team Elise LOVES Chick-fil-a!

If you live in the DFW area, here's your chance to eat some YUMMY food, and help support Team Elise!

The Chick-fil-a in Southlake is doing a fundraiser for Team Elise on Thursday, August 19 from 6 to 8 PM (a percentage of the proceeds from that two-hour block will go to Team Elise).

Fred, Elise and I will be there and would love to have all of our friends in the DFW area join us for dinner at the Chick-fil-A in Southlake at 2301 E Southlake Blvd, Southlake, TX 76092.

A big thanks to owner Mark Guilbert and marketing director Tracy Matlock for helping us raise funds to find a cure for diabetes!

If you haven't already, you can go to teamelise.com to get more information about type 1 diabetes, make a donation or join Team Elise for the 5K JDRF Walk to Cure Diabetes on Saturday, September 25 at 9 AM at Granite Park in Plano, TX .

Team Elise 2010

Below is an excerpt from the email my husband wrote to send to our friends and family about this year's walk:

We have some good news and some bad news...

The good news is that Elise is doing well and growing fast!

She is almost three years old, has a great group of friends, she's extremely smart, speaks both English and Portuguese (I only speak to her in Portuguese) and is very excited to become a big sister (baby Mattias is scheduled to be born three days after Elise's third birthday).

Joanne does an amazing job with the managing of insulin (three shots a day), food (weighing every single gram of carbs) and exercise (rec center, bicycle, walks, park, pool, etc.).
While insulin and food are needed to keep Elise alive, exercise plays a big role in the equation as well and so it becomes a balancing act between the three.

At her last endocrinologist appointment, her A1c (blood test that gives you an average of your blood sugar for the last three months) was so good - 6.6 - that it even worried some people (you don't want the A1c number too low when you're this young since it may be an indication that she's having a lot of low blood sugar numbers).

The bad news is that she still has type 1 diabetes, and will have it for the rest of her life until we find a cure.

Anyone with type 1 diabetes will tell you that it's a roller coaster ride. A lot of times stuff just doesn't make sense and there's not much you can do about it. There are days when you keep feeding her non-stop just to keep her blood sugar at a normal level and then there are days when you have no idea why her blood sugar is off the charts.

It's because of the "bad news" that we're again taking part in the JDRF Walk to Cure Diabetes. This will be our third year and we're really excited! We have two goals this year:

1. Create awareness by having at least 50 people walking with us on Saturday, September 25 at 9 AM at Granite Park in Plano, TX.

2. Fund research that can lead to breakthrough cures and treatments for type 1 diabetes and its complications by raising $10,000.

So...

1. If you live in the DFW area or would like to visit the area at the end of September, we would love to have you on our team!
Simply go to teamelise.com, click on Walk and then click on Join Team Elise to sign-up to walk with us. You will get a free and very cool Team Elise shirt (see the design below). Note that you do not have to raise money in order to walk with us, but are more than welcome to do so, if you wish.

2. If you're able to, we would love for you to donate to JDRF! Simply go to teamelise.com and click on Donate Now from any page to donate using your credit card. If you prefer to use PayPal, you can do so by clicking on Walk and then clicking on PayPal.

I would also like to thank Jonathan Rollins for designing this year's Team Elise shirt - I can't wait to wear it!

Thank you so much in advance for your support!




My thoughts:

-The shirt is AMAZING, no?

-You should really check out the new Team Elise website.

-We have had some incredible response from businesses in the area who are either willing to sponsor or help support Team Elise. We've even had a few restaurants offer to donate a percentage of their sales from a certain time period to Team Elise. We will update when we have some more solid dates. Hopefully if you live in this area, you will come out and not only support Team Elise, but the wonderful businesses too!

Go Team Elise!

Let's get us a tree!

Ahhh, the annual jaunt to the Christmas tree farm. Or as I like to call it: "Let's try and make Joanne's head explode day".

It's not that I don't love our tradition (which started 9 years ago), of trekking out to a Christmas tree farm in the middle of nowhere, selecting our "perfect" tree (this one... no wait, this one. How about THIS ONE? Where's that first one again? They all freaking look the same!), and schlepping it back to our house. It's that life these days is a little more complicated, and everything rides on keeping with the schedule.

So we started out this morning by waking up late. Okay, no problem, let's just get ready as quickly as humanly possible. We piled into the car only 45 minutes behind schedule. And we were very low on gas.

But because we like to live dangerously, we pointed the car east and drove. At a very old-lady-like speed of 60 MPH. Fred has learned the hard way not to speed.

We got to the farm and ran to where the tractor picks you up for a hayride out to the field. I gave Fred, Elise and Seven very explicit instructions... we have 20 minutes to find our tree. At the end of those 20 minutes if we're not chopping something down I'm going to close my eyes, spin around and point. Whichever tree I'm pointing at, we're taking. I don't care if it's 20 feet tall.

tractor ride!

With that in mind, we were off. To my surprise, we found a tree we all agreed on quite quickly. Unfortunately, there was nobody around to take our traditional "in front of our tree before we sacrifice it in the name of Christmas" photo, so we propped the camera up on Elise's diaper bag, set the timer and ended up with not a bad picture, considering.

Our tree!

After we cut down the tree, hauled it back, paid for it and strapped it to the car, that's when the fun began. We were trying to get out of a rather small parking area when one of the cars in front of us got stuck, essentially blocking our way out.

Now I was starting to freak out. Elise is on a type of insulin that starts to peak around four hours after we give it to her (hence the keeping to the schedule thing). If she's not eating her lunch when it starts to peak, her blood sugar will drop and she could pass out or have a seizure. We had planned to leave the farm and drive about 15 minutes to Chick-fil-a for lunch. We were fast approaching her time to eat and were stuck in the parking area. But like any good D-Momma, I had some food with me and started to feed her in the car.

Luckily there was another way out, but Fred had to go down a long line of cars and tell them to back out the other way. Which commenced the poorest display of driving I have ever seen in my life. People were backing out and turning the wheel the wrong way and almost crashing into trees. Women were vacating the driver seat so their husband (or some other male) could back them out. It made me weep for my gender. We were finally free about 10 minutes later.

Now were we not only running against the clock for lunch, but to get Elise back in time for her nap. We don't miss nap time at our house for anything. Because I said so.

What followed is a comedy of errors that you can only shake your head at and laugh. We missed the exit to Chick-fil-a and it took an extra 10 minutes to turn around (due to stupid drivers in front of us, and slow, small-town lights). We were pretty much running on fumes, so we decided to fill up right after lunch. First a guy stole our pump. Then the pump we picked was on the wrong side for our car and the hose didn't stretch. Then they didn't take Amex (the card we use because we get 3% cash back). On the way home I swear the tree was going to take flight from the roof of our car at any moment.

But, we made it. They tree stayed attached to the car, Elise BG was fine (albeit a little high), and she napped for an hour and a half when we finally got home. Most importantly, my head didn't explode.

If it had, Fred wouldn't have been able to take this rather cute picture of my daughter and I.

My road not taken

I've been thinking a lot about paths lately. How different paths can take you to different places. Some you choose and some you don't. You come to a fork and you go either left or right. You can choose to take the bridge over the river, or just walk alongside it. In some cases, you can even turn around and go back the way you came.

Sometimes the way you choose to go seems inconsequential at the time. I think about when Fred and I had to decide which pediatrician we were going to take Elise to when she was born. A doctor is a doctor is a doctor, right? Unless they graduated from an on-line medical school in Guadalajara or something; as long as they mesh with your personality, are willing to work with you on personal choices (i.e. vaccinations), and are competent, then you're set.

We made our choice based on a recommendation from somebody in our child birth class. We met the doctor a few weeks before I was set to deliver, and that was that. I never thought much about the choice again.

Until Elise was 12 months old and diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. It was only through her pedi's thoroughness did we catch it early on. What brings to mind this particular path we chose is a story I just heard. About a 15 month old girl who died from undiagnosed type 1 diabetes. Her parents twice had taken her to the ER, and twice were sent home. One with a diagnoses of teething, and the other with an ear infection (if you know anything about diabetes then you realize how incompetent these doctors must have been).

This story is such a punch to my gut. But for a pathway we chose over two years ago, that could have been us. How could something so simple as choosing a doctor lead to something so huge?

Sometimes we are forced to walk pathways we don't want to be on, not realizing with each step we are slowly becoming who we were meant to be. It is so with diabetes. It is a rough pathway, rocky, and full of ups and downs. Sometimes it takes us through the darkest, most mournful of forests. Other times we can feel the warm sun gently kissing our faces while a cool breeze plays with our hair. It is lonely, heart-breaking, wonderful, isolating, amazing, sobering and exhausting all at the same time. I have never learned so much about myself as I have since I stepped foot on this pathway.

It is not one I would have ever chosen for myself, but I am glad to be walking it hand in hand with my beautiful daughter, rather than trudging along another path; arms empty and aching for my little girl.

Team Elise 2009 Walk for a Cure

Pics are up on my other blog from our diabetes walk. Click here to check them out and thanks to everyone who supported us!

A post where I complain... a lot

If I were the superstitious type, I'd be wondering if my daughter was ever meant to have a birthday party.

Take for example, last year's "party"; interrupted about 30 minutes into it by Elise's doc telling us to take her to the hospital, she's just been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. Pretty sucktacular.

So this year, as we were away for the actual day of birth, we decided to throw Elise a party for the weekend after we got home. It was all planned; people invited, food bought, decorations thought of... blah, blah, blah.

Then on Wednesday, I got sick. Not just sick, but dear-Lord-of-all-things-good-and-right-everything's-going-dark-no-wait-I-see-some-light-and-I'm-heading-towards-it-sick. But it's okay, I still have my main man Fred to help get things together for the party.

Then on Thursday, Fred starts heading towards the light. The guy who has been sick a total of 3 times in 11 years, who has managed to dodge all sorts of crud that I have incubated including about three rounds of strep throat, Mr. I-doan-need-no-stinkin'-Advil. He's got it too.

At this point, we start contemplating that the party needs to be cancelled, or at the very least, moved to the next weekend. Mother Nature decides to get in on the act, and it's predicted that there's an 80% chance of rain on Saturday. In Texas. In September. My friends, that just doesn't happen here unless it's biblical times and God has just had a little heart-to-heart with a guy named Noah.

And just in case we get any ideas about going forward with the party, Elise then gets sick on Saturday morning, and it rains here like it has never rained before. Talk about twisting the knife.

Do I sounds bitter? Probably... probably. Chalk it up to frustration, I guess. I do have one rather funny tale from when I went to the doctor to see if my crud had a name (and hopefully not one that sounded like Swine Flu).

Fred made the appointment for me, and when the receptionist asked why I needed to be seen, he replied, "she's sick". Straight and to the point, that's my Fred.

So somehow I slipped past all the superb screening, and was sitting in the room waiting to be seen, sans mask. The doc walks in, notes my temperature on the chart (101.6), and asked me if I had been coughing. When I said yes you would have thought I told him I was there to pluck his eyeballs out with my thumbnails.

He jumped up, tore open the door and yelled, "nobody told meeeeeeeeeee", as he ran down the hall. I sat there, feeling very much like a leper.

He returned, from what I am presuming was a Lysol-shower, about 10 minutes later wearing a mask and with one for me. It turns out that I didn't have the flu, just one of the second-rate, run-of-the-mill viruses that doesn't get any press. Poor, un-named virus.

Have we always been so crazy when it comes to germs, or its it just lately that people are going off the deep end? I remember when I was younger, you got the flu, you threw up a little, and drank some ginger ale. At some point, you manage pass it onto your friends and family who threw up and drank ginger ale. Nobody went to the doctor, let alone the press.

Now, I must admit, I'm not so relaxed when it comes to sick people being around Elise, but unfortunately, diabetes makes things a little trickier. But shouldn't we relatively healthy people be a little less freaked out?

Okay, I think I'm done grumbling for now. Keeping my fingers crossed for Saturday. Time for Elise to have a birthday party, even if it is one year and three weeks overdue.

Team Elise Video

Sorry for the cross-posting (if you read my other blog, I've also posted it there), but this video, put together by my very talented husband, deserves the double-post.

We've put it together in anticipation of the JDRF Walk for a Cure that is coming up on September 26. Team Elise has 20 cool people (so far) that will be sporting cool Team Elise t-shirts while walking in Irving.

We are asking for three things: prayer for Elise and everybody who suffers with type 1 diabetes; if you live in the DFW area, please join us for the walk on September 26, and if you have the means, please consider donating to the JDRF on behalf of Team Elise. No amount is too small, as every dollar brings us that much closer to a cure, and the chance for Elise to be able to say, "I used to have diabetes."

You can sign up to walk or donate here.

For those of you who have already donated, I say thank you. It brings a tear to my eye and a smile to my heart to see how many people love Elise.

Ugh

Elise is sick. We had a not-so-fun Sunday of fevers, not wanting to eat (which is bad news if you have diabetes), and vomit. I was the lucky recipient of the spew shower right after lunch. We're talking two meals and a snack worth of upchuck. Gross.

If you're so inclined, you can read more about it here.

If you're even more inclined, please say a prayer for Elise. We had a pretty rough day with her, but finally got her temperature down to 100.4 at bedtime, and she even ate a bit of a snack.

Hopefully tomorrow she'll be back to her old self.

Taking the stroller outside

I've said it before, in this post, that if I were a super hero my name would probably be something like Miss Meticulous. As much as I would like to think of myself as a zany, crazy, spur-of-the-moment type of gal, deep down I know I am just kidding myself.

Lately I've been noticing that the overly anal-retentive side of my personality is creeping up on me, and I'm afraid it's going to take over like a rising tide. If you've ever lived near the ocean then you know what it's like to be playing out on dry sand, and the next thing you know you're knee deep in water and your beach blanket looks very, very far away.

I relish order and, for lack of a better word, cleanliness to my life. And although this is an okay thing in small doses, I don't want it to stop me from living my life.

Elise has this baby doll stroller and she loves to toddle around the house with it. She puts her doll in it and strolls around; clucking her tongue and telling baby, "it s'okay, be-be, it s'okay". Apparently, her baby is suffering from some sort of angst... all the time. The other day she had the idea that it would be fun to take it on our walk with us. You know, outside.

I kneeled down and told her that no, the stroller needs to stay in the house. If we take it outside, the wheels will get dirty, and then track the dirt inside. And I'm the one that will most likely end up carrying it home (I added silently in my brain). As she started protesting violently, as only Elise knows how, I thought about how ludicrous my reasoning was.

But this line of thought is in lock-step with how I've been living my life lately. I refrain from doing things just because it's messy, or hard. The long and the short of it is; it's just easier to keep the stroller at home. If you've been reading for awhile, then you know that my daughter, now 22 months old, was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 12 months. And it has made life hard. And messy. And it has made me afraid.

My day-to-day routine is peppered with "what-ifs". I hate to stray to far away from the house lest something happen with Elise's diabetes. Plus I'm starting to feel like a bloody pack mule with all the stuff I need to carry around for her. And forget travelling. Trying to go through security with all Elise's supplies and food, not to mention what if something happens when we're in the air? Forget it. It's too messy and it's too hard.

But it's dawning on me that I'm not really living my life, I'm hiding from it. Life is messy, it's dirty, and man-oh-man is it hard. But isn't it during those times when you have the most fun?

I can remember when I was 15 or so, I was at my soccer practice one night when the sky opened up and it started to pour. Some of the more adventurous ones on my team thought that was a grand time to practise slide-tackling. In the mud.

I stood on the sidelines and said, "no thank you, I'd rather not have to scoop mud pies out of my shorts" (not those kind of mud pies you dirty, dirty people). But as I watched them, I saw the fun that they were having, I realized that I was missing out, so I took a flying leap into the biggest mud puddle I could find. And yeah I was dirty, but I had a load of chuckles with my team mates that night.

It's a stroller, and what else is it meant for if not for my little girl to take it on a walk around the neighbourhood? So what if the wheels get dirty? It's not like I'm trying to keep it in pristine condition for re-sale on EBay or something. The stroller, like life, is meant to be taken outside and used. And if I end up carrying it, and Elise, and her baby doll for a quarter of a mile; well, so be it. I could use the exercise.

I think what I'm trying to say is that for the past year I've been living my life in a box. Or a hole. Or behind a curtain. Or locked up in a tiny, windowless room with no light or sound being able to penetrate the walls. And I want out.

I want to know what it's like to live again.

Had a Bad Day

To celebrate the suckiness of this day, I decided to title this post with the name of a rather horrific song, just so it would get stuck in your head. Yes, I am evil that way. Impolite and evil.

Why did your day suck, Joanne? Because diabetes is a terrible, sucktastic, crappola of a disease and I really wish it could manifest itself as a person so I could kick it in the groin, thank you for asking. And yes, I am well aware that I have a preoccupation with kicking/kneeing/punching people in the groin. What can I say... I grew up with two brothers. Sometimes the best defense is a good offence. Ka-POW!

Anyway, as soon as Fred got home from work, I let him know that for the sake of my sanity and safety of any nearby groins, I was going to have to leave the house allbymyself. I had no destination in mind, I just went.

As is often the case, I wound up at Target. Maybe it was destiny. Maybe it was the wind. Probably it's my deep love and appreciation for the giant red bulls eye. Into Target I went and we all know how cathartic spending money can be. Especially when everything you buy was 50-75% off. It felt good.

I got back into my car and continued my journey to a nearby mall... and didn't run over the man who thought jay-walking across a 6 lane, extremely busy road was a good idea. Not running him over felt good.

I then ran a red light. It was iffy at best if I could have stopped... but I didn't. And it felt good.

In the parking lot of the mall, I didn't make fun of the girl who was wearing one of those stupid scarves around her neck in the 104 degree Texas heat. Well, not out loud anyway. In my brain I had a good chuckle at her expense. Yup, it felt good.

I walked by a Cinnabon, but decided against the ooey, gooey, decedent goodness of a cinnamon roll. And you know what? That felt good.

As did seeing my husband and daughter at the mall because he had brought her there to ride the carousel as a treat. He had no idea that I was there, and in the hour or so that I had been away from them, I found that I missed them.

I also found that a few small feel-good things can totally erase the crap of a bad day.

And you know what? That feels good too.

I think I'll call him Harold

My ulcer that is. What? How do I know I have an ulcer? Because I googled "unbearable gut-wrenching fire-ball of pain in my stomach", and that's what came up.

Because WebMD told me so. And we all know that WebMD is, in fact, a fine replacement to a living, breathing, real-life doctor.

Because, although I'm not a doctor, I do play one in my head, and after waiting 45 minutes to see me for a quick 5 minute visit where I pretended to intently listen to all my symptoms, that's what I told myself. I also wrote myself a prescription on the wrapper of a chocolate bar, but the pharmacy wouldn't take it.

Actually, the truth is, I've had one before, and I can remember all too well the pain that drinking my morning glass of orange juice brings.

My blog has pretty much been doom and gloom lately. And I hate that, but I can't pretend that everything is shiny and happy when it's not.

Yesterday we found out that Fred's company is changing health insurance plans. And while I am so thankful that we do have insurance, this change had caused the pain in my gut to reach new levels.

It wouldn't be such a big deal, but having a child with a chronic disease that needs constant medical monitoring, makes it a big deal. This new plan is definitely not as good as our old one (we have to pay more out of pocket, and the coverage isn't as good), and there are a lot of unknowns. Namely, will all our docs take the new insurance. Will it cover a pump for Elise in the future (they can cost upwards of $5000)? There are so many other questions, but the more I think about them, the more stressed I get.

I know that not thinking about it is not a good thing. But it's my coping mechanism for right now.

I'm seriously thinking that it's time to high-tail it back north for some good, ol' socialized medicine...

Can I get a perscription for a nap?

I heard that Jay Leno checked himself into the hospital a few weeks ago, citing "exhaustion" as the reason. I didn't know that "exhaustion" was a valid diagnoses to be hospitalized for. I mean, I'm exhausted too, but my doc has never told me that hospitalization was an option. Maybe "celebrity exhaustion" is different from the exhaustion us "common-folk" get. Maybe they get a more potent form; sort of like swine-exhaustion.

Why am I tired? Maybe it's because I haven't had a vacation since I was 6 months pregnant with Elise. It could be because I don't get more than about 4 - 5 hours of sleep a night. Perhaps it's because I've forgotten what having fun is like. Maybe it's due to the fact that I haven't been away from Elise for more than a few hours since her diabetes diagnoses. Or it could be because I am IT. The go-to gal. A-number 1. The starting pitcher, reliever, and sometimes closer for Elise's care. And I am exhausted.

I don't really swear in real life, or in blog life for that matter. Crap is about the worst you'll get out of me. But lately I've wanted to find the highest spot in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, maybe a water tower or my roof, and scream the F-word for as long and as loudly as I can. Sort of like that scene in Little Miss Sunshine, when the son finds out he's colour-blind.

I don't think it will help matters, but it sure would feel good.

I am very aware that my feelings of exhaustion come mostly when life with Elise is difficult. She hasn't been napping well lately, we've had some night time issues (diabetes related), and I had a very frightening experience with her yesterday that I chronicled on my other blog.

I just can't find a way to get un-exhausted.

Since we commoners can't check into the hospital for "exhaustion" (I called my HMO and checked), I think I'll go play in traffic in hopes of getting run over. Don't worry, it will most likely be a school zone when the lights are flashing.

I don't want to be exhausted and dead.

Team Elise

I posted this on my other blog, but also thought it was worth mentioning here...

We're starting to get things organized for this year's JDRF's Walk to Cure Diabetes in the DFW area! We will be taking part in the Irving walk on Saturday, September 26, 2009 (9 AM). If you are interested in joining Team Elise for the 5K walk, would like to make a personal donation to JDRF on behalf of Team Elise or would like your business to sponsor Team Elise, please click here.

Last year the walk was only three weeks after Elise was diagnosed, but we still took part and raised over $3000... how amazing is that? Our goal this year is $5000. If you have the means, please join us either by donating, or walking with Team Elise!