Friday, January 8, 2010

Beyond Thunderdome

I have never seen any of the Mad Max movies, so I don't know what they're about, but I like to use the title from one of them in my crazy vernacular. It's Beyond Thunderdome and you use it when you are so far past a certain emotion/feeling that there really is no description for it. For example:

When you are so hungry that your stomach feels like it has started eating itself, and the idea of gnawing on your own arm sounds heavenly; you are Beyond Thunderdome Hungry.

Or when you are so angry that your entire body is shaking with rage and everybody better get out of the way because you're going to start throwing crap. Not literal crap, but whatever is within your reach, including a 42 inch LCD flat screen TV. That is called Beyond Thunderdome Mad.

Got it?

Well friends, I am Beyond Thunderdome Tired. I swear to you, I'm not sure what decade we're even in anymore. I think my brainwaves are so screwed up that my dog has started communicating telepathically with me. I forget what I'm saying, as I am saying it, and I can't remember what a toilet is used for. I am so far past Beyond Thunderdome Tired, I can't even see it anymore.

All of it has to do with Elise's diabetes, but if you want to read more about that, then you need to visit my other blog. But seriously, these days 4 hours is a good night's sleep for us.

Some of it is our own doing... most nights we don't crawl into bed until midnight, mostly because we check Elise's blood sugar at midnight and sometimes it's not worth it to go to bed, only to have to wake up in 45 minutes.

But the other might we truly outdid ourselves. I don't know how Al Gore managed it, but he has somehow reversed global warning because Texas is in the middle of an Arctic freeze. And when we have any sort weather event, the local meteorologists have orgasms and decide to start freaking their viewers out. Which leads to all necessary supplies within a 100 mile radius being sold out.

You know those water faucet cover thingies (we call them boobies)? Well, the other night we couldn't find our second one, which according to the weather people OUR OUTSIDE PIPES ARE GOING TO BURST AND THERE WILL BE WATER ALL OVER YOUR HOUSE AND IT WILL FREEZE AND THEN YOU WILL DIE.

Or something to that effect.

So at 11:00 at night, Fred sets off on his intrepid journey to find us another boobie. Being Ms. Practical, I told him to call and make sure the store had them in stock. We finally found some in the devil's emporium, Walmart (I personally will not step foot into Walmart, but have yet to convince Fred to follow suit), about 20 minutes away. Except that when Fred got there, they didn't actually have any, the person who answered the phone was just too lazy/stupid to check.

Fred tried again, only to have the same thing happen, and finally made his way home at 1:00 am, boobie-less. Upon further inspection of our outside premises, he found the missing boobie under a bush in our garden. I don't even know what to say about that.

The only positive part of this whole meandering, go-nowhere story is that Fred now agrees with me that Walmart is the worst place in the world and should be avoided at all costs. I told him if he ever regresses, I'm going to do a little classical conditioning on him and kick him in the groin while yelling, "Walmart!", so that if he ever gets the urge to shop there, he will feel pain in his nether-regions (à la Pavlov's dogs).

The moral of this story is three-fold:
I am tired
Walmart sucks
Look for lost boobies in the garden


Wym said...

GOOD LORD! Funny! Poor thing go to sleep now! I was at Walmart today and they were selling out of anti-freeze. I can not think what those crazy Mexicans are doing with all that anti-freeze but? And I have no idea what a boobie for the faucet is. Must be a Canadian thing;)

Anonymous said...

Sorry you guys are having such a rough time, but this was one of your funniest posts yet. Thanks for a good laugh!

I, too, went on a quest for boobies. I had boobies at the old house, but somehow my boobies disappeared. The local Lowe's and Target had none, so my dad (because he knows about these things) suggested I create fake boobies by wrapping a towel around the faucet and taping it in place. So far it has worked. Better fake than none, I suppose.

phonelady said...

Thanks so much I needed a good laugh . I hate wal mart too . Oh my god boobies in the garden that is great and also the weathermen having orgasms LOL !!! Too Funny .

Joanne said...

@ Wym - We don't have boobies (at least THAT kind of boobie) in Canada. For some reason I don't remember having issues with exposed pipes up there. They are styrofoam round thingies that vaguely resemble a boobie (hence the name), that you attach to and cover your outside faucets with.

@ Andy - Good to know about the towel thing. Every time we have a freeze we always have problems finding our boobies again. They like to migrate or something.

@ Phonelady - the weather people here are crazy. A good storm is like crack to them. Even a not-so-good storm...

Meri said...

I'm glad you found your boobie.

I'm sorry you aren't sleeping. I was a zombie from 1998 to 2005. It wasn't all diabetes though. New babies played a part in it too.

I hope things settle down soon. Thinking of you.

Wym said...

I gave you an award! Stop by and claim it.