The Seven 2002 Operating Manual

When we went to San Francisco a few weeks ago, we entrusted the care of our dog Seven to our wonderful friends, Nate and Leanna (and their horse-of-a-dog, Nellie). They asked us if we had any instructions for Seven's care, and I remembered that I had written out something years ago as a joke. It made me laugh, so I decided to post it here. Enjoy!

Congratulations on your temporary ownership of the Seven 2002 model. We hope you will be pleased with her many features as a pet. We have included some basic instructions on the operation of this model so you can maximize your temporary ownership experience!

The Seven 2002 model operates best if given the food that is designed for her make and model. Feeding food that is not normally in her diet may lead to the expulsion of noxious materials from either end. Normal intake of food for this model is approximately 2 cups per day, 2/3 in the morning, 2/3 around 3:00 pm, and the last 2/3 before bedtime. This model must maintain food in her stomach due to a system bug that causes purging from the front end when the stomach is empty.

Please make sure the Seven 2002 model is separated from other makes and models at feeding time. Failure to do this may cause, but is not limited to; snarling, gnashing of teeth, biting, flying fur, bleeding, serious injury and even death.

The Seven 2002 model is equipped for swimming, and enjoys it, but we ask at this time for you to deny her this privilege. Please make sure she is not left unattended for long periods of time near swimming areas.

Please do not allow the Seven 2002 model up on beds. Though you may do this with your current make and model, the Seven 2002 model is prohibited from lounging in beds as it could lead to rebellious behavior. You may, however give her permission to sleep under the bed.

Normal bowel movements for this model is approximately twice daily.

Just as funny was the email we received several days into our trip:

2002 model works well despite propensity to molt into many new and smaller models. This model may not wish to be returned. :-)

Thanks Nate, Leanna and Nellie for taking such good care of our girl!