Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sarcasm Sounds Best in B-Flat

If my life were a Broadway show, I think it would be called "Sarcastic, the Musical". Jodie Foster would play me. Not because I think I look like Jodie Foster, but a crazy man in San Fransisco told me that I could be her twin. Good enough for me! David Duchovny would play Fred. No wait... I would play me, and David Duchovny would play Fred. No wait... Gillian Anderson would play me, David Duchovny would play Fred, then I could see them kiss without having to watch the new X-Files movie.

I like musicals. In fact, I think life should be one big musical. I love the idea of breaking into song, just because the moment tickles you. There is something so freeing, so utterly fantastic about it. Not convinced? Imagine this:

You're driving down the highway and some jerkwad does a three-lane-at-a-time lane change, almost becoming your new hood ornament. What do you do? You could speed up, get in front of him, and then slam on your breaks; refusing to move for the next 5 minutes. Or you could break into song:

You cut me off
You stupid jerk
You cut me off
I'm late for work
Now feel the wrath
Of my extended finger
And may the shame of what you did
Throughout the day linger

While you are composing your eventual Grammy-winning song from a musical, you will have arrived at your destination, all you anger vanquished from singing.

I think marriages could use some music too. What if your fight with your spouse was done as a duet:

Wife: Why do you always
Leave your dirty dishes in the sink
Why do you always
Speak before you think?
Why can't you ever
Buy me something nice?
Or even share
The remote control device?

Husband: You talk too much
It's always yap yap yap
You talk to much
Your gums, they always flap
I work so hard
I need some peace and quiet
If you want something nice
Why don't you go and buy it?

Together: You drive me crazy, but I... love... you... anyway!

As they sing the last line, the couple would fall into each other's arms and passionately kiss.

Could you imagine trying to have a good, old-fashioned, door-slamming, foot-stomping, phone-throwing fight with your spouse while singing to them? Plus, it's really hard to find words that rhyme with "jerk-face". I think this could end marital strife as we know it!

So, if your life was a musical, what would it be called? And who would play you? Come on, I know I have some very imaginative friends out there...


HeyJade said...

Hilarious post! I think it's a brilliant idea. Also, when you become a mommy, everything becomes a song anyway. You start singing about completely ridiculous stuff...changing diapers, washing faces, picking up toys.